0 In Real Life/ The Allen Diaries

Allen’s Online Dating Profile

Dear Diary,

Today I’ve decided to create an online dating profile. I feel like I’m now old enough to date and heard it was a great way to meet potential mates.

Mom and Dad don’t know about it. I created it while they were at work. It’s tricky checking my matches when they’re home but I’ve managed to bury the iPad under my bed and they haven’t noticed yet. Please don’t tell them.

So here it is! I think it’s great.

Username: AllenDiggityDawg2014

The Allen Diaries: Allen's dating profile

Basic Info:

Name: Allen Dalliday

Age: 24 and a half (in doggy years)

Height: 2’6″

Hair: golden

Body type: long and muscular

Children: unsure

Personality type: optimistic and playful

Relationship status: single and neutered

Occupation: Personal Support/Object Retriever

Location: Toronto, ON

 

Interests:

I like chasing balls, eating used tissue off the street, taking trips to the park, rolling in shit, chillin’ with my cousin Stella and my uncles Bently and Roxy, belly rubs, sleeping, going on long walks, smiling – smiling’s my favourite, swimming, waiting for mom and dad to get home, licking this one spot on my leg (a lot), getting up on the furniture, getting pet, eating used women’s underwear, eating dirty socks, car rides, stuffed animals, getting my teeth brushed, most fruits and vegetables, ice cream and timbits, and being towelled off.

Dislikes:

I do not like foreign objects on sidewalks, the vacuum, the hair dryer, the hair brush, haircuts, taking showers or baths and zucchini.

About Me:

I am a pretty easy going guy and have a great smile. People seem to really like me, although I do still live with my parents… not sure if that will ever change. I had a vasectomy at a very young age, I’m adopted, pure-bred and I work out regularly. I am very social and outgoing, I have intermediate-level dog training, I can sit, lay down and roll-over. I am very upbeat, I never hold a grudge (or even know what that is), and I love everyone.

Allen's Online Dating Profile

I am looking for:

Someone who likes me for who I am and doesn’t mind a little slobber from time to time and the odd butt sniff. I like females that have a lot of energy but know when I’m tired and need a rest. I am looking for someone who will share treats with me and enjoys snuggling. I am used to getting a lot of attention thanks to my dad so I will need that too.

My ideal partner would be:

A fun-loving, family-oriented bitch. Preferably a red-head with soft hair, filed nails and a spontaneous personality.

More about me:

Favourite food: Carrots and grape tomatoes

Favourite movie: Life of Pi

Favourite quote: “Be the person your dog thinks you are”

Dream job: Professional Swimmer

Favourite place: Anywhere with Mom and Dad and water

Something you don’t know about me: I can fit 3 tennis balls in my mouth at once

Allen's online dating profile

If you see something you like, call me!

xo Allen

 

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