Bumps in the Road to Recovery From an Exercise or Eating Disorder

Today’s post was inspired by a major relapse moment I had earlier this week.

I still can’t believe how hard it is to gain weight after an exercise and eating disorder. Physically it’s easy, but mentally and emotionally – it’s a total nightmare.

I have been recovering from my body image struggles for almost 2 years now (you can read more about it in this post). And although it does get easier, it isn’t always smooth sailing. 

Let me tell you about what happened this week:

I had an event in Toronto on Tuesday night and I was super excited about it! I was going to meet my #1 inspirational podcaster/author and fitness guru Lori Harder on her book tour. Her book is all about creating a tribe of women to help lift each other up and be there for each other, sharing struggles without the fear of judgement.

This is everything I’ve been living for lately and you know how excited I was to be in a room filled with like-minded people.

However, that was not how the night played out…

I was meeting a friend there and we decided to take a picture before the event together…

Before this, I had been avoiding photos because I knew I had gained a bit of weight. But when I saw this one of myself, I went into total panic mode:

“Oh my god, is that really what I look like?”

“I’m huge!”

“I look like a monster!!”

“These clothes are so unflattering! I should have worn something different.”

And then once all those negative thoughts started flooding in, it was like a switch went off in my brain and I started comparing myself to EVERYONE else in the room:

“Oh, if I had just worn a dress like that, I would look so much better.”

“Oh, I shouldn’t have cut my hair, I think it makes me look fat. I should get hair extensions.”

“I wish I had worn more makeup, I look like a slob.”

“Oh my gosh, I need to get eyelash extensions, everyone here looks so good.”

“Ok, if I just lose 5 pounds, I will feel so much better and look way better in pictures. How can I start losing weight right now?”

These thoughts went on throughout most of the event. I knew I had to take another photo at the end, so all I was thinking about was what I wished I would have worn, what I wished I had done with my hair, and how I wished I was thinner.

And then at one point about half way through her talk, I realized what I was doing.

I had spent so much time tearing myself down that I couldn’t even enjoy the one thing I had been looking forward to for so long.

I made a decision right then and there to stop thinking about my appearance and start enjoying this moment.

After leaving the event, I started thinking more and more about why I felt the way I did.

I felt so insecure… which normally isn’t like me.

Although, to be honest I used to have thoughts like these WAAAYYYY more often when I was still over-exercising and under eating. My mind was always preoccupied with them.

But it had been a long time since I had so many negative thoughts about myself and my appearance that I didn’t realize how HUGE of an effect they had over my well-being.

And even worse than your own thoughts is when someone else comments on your weight. I don’t know why it offends me, but when people tell me I look healthy, I feel ashamed. I know I shouldn’t –  it’s so stupid. I do look healthy! I am proud of that! But I think I am so brain-washed to only feel good when I hear “you look so thin” (aka unhealthy!!).

Anyway, I started to wonder if other people had the same similar thoughts. I really wanted to share this experience with you in case you’ve experienced the same thing at some point in your life. Or maybe it’s everyday… I know it used to be for me.

It’s sooo not fair that we are so preoccupied with our appearance. Thus, in order to help you get over that, here is a list of things that I now know for certain are true:

Being thin doesn’t make you more successful.

Being thin doesn’t make you a kind person.

Being thin doesn’t make you a better mom, wife or friend.

Being thin doesn’t make you better at your job.

Being thin doesn’t make you more confident.

Being thin doesn’t make people like you.

Being thin doesn’t make you healthier.

Being thin doesn’t make you happier.

Being thin doesn’t make negative thoughts go away.

In order to overcome a negative body image, you need to do the inside work. You need to believe you are worthy of whatever you desire regardless of your weight or your appearance.

Accepting and loving your body just the way it is the key to being successful, confident, healthier, and happier.

So eat food that makes you feel good. Move your body in ways that makes you feel good. Attend social events with friends that make you feel good. And go buy some new clothes that make you feel beautiful and confident.

The goal of this post is to show you that no matter what size you are, everyone has these moments of self-destructive thoughts and they shouldn’t stand in the way of you enjoying yourself.

Everyone besides you thinks you look fabulous. So why don’t you just trust them and stop being so hard on yourself?

You are beautiful and perfect exactly the way you are.

xoxo

 

 

ps. If you liked this outfit, you can find it at: www.titika.ca