Has anyone ever told you “you’re going to hate your husband after you have a baby”?
I sure had – and I’ll be honest, I didn’t believe them. I knew Mike and I were solid and whatever came up, we would work through it without resentment towards one another. We are great communicators.
Well let me tell you, even the best communicators aren’t prepared for what’s about to happen once baby arrives…
I’m painting a picture like our relationship went to shit after having a baby- and it most definitely did not! In fact, our relationship is stronger than ever since having a baby… but it does require a lot more work now!
Ok why don’t we dive right in to the 6 ways our marriage changed after having a baby.
1. We enjoy our alone time together more
We were always alone together before (well if you don’t count Allen) and we took that for granted a lot. Now that Rachel is in the mix, hanging out just the 2 of us is sacred time for us and I feel like we have way more fun as a couple now.
Once that babe is in bed at 7, the wine comes out and we enjoy talking about our days, making dinner, laughing at Rachel and Allen, watching Netflix and going for a hot tub.
I swear to God, the minute Rachel goes down to bed we just talk about her the whole time anyway… like what’s up with that?? haha
2. We have more disagreements about how important beer-league sports are
So in case you don’t know my husband Mike, he loves sports. He plays them all and never passes up an opportunity to play hockey, baseball or golf (or sometimes all 3 on the same day…).
This was annoying before we had kids, but I let it go knowing how much he enjoys it.
However, now that we have a baby it’s harder for me to let it go. Mike works all week and the only time we have as a family are in the evenings and on the weekends which are prime sports playing times. We’ve had plenty of debates on this topic and have both made some compromises but we still haven’t exactly resolved it…
So if you have any suggestions, I’d gladly accept them! 😉
3. We have more sex.
And it’s better!! Does this one surprise you or what?
Now before I go on I have to say that we might be a lucky minority as I know this won’t be the case for everyone. A lot of times having babies takes a toll on your sex life for various reasons, but just know that it doesn’t necessarily have to.
Before having a baby I feel like I was too tense, too anxious and I couldn’t relax (both down there and in my head). But now that I’ve pushed a baby through my vagina (lol), sex feels so much better and is way more enjoyable on my end (not sure about Mike’s but who cares, right?? ;))
I’m sure a lot of it has to do with recovering from my eating and exercise disorder, not having the cloud of infertility hanging over my head and taking antidepressants, but whatever the reason – I’ll take it!
Sex used to feel like a chore to me before and now I actually look forward to it. So no. Having kids does not have to ruin your sex life and for some of us lucky ones, it can actually improve it!
4. We fight over sleep
Ok, more like I look at him angrily while he’s sleeping in bed all snuggly and I am up feeding the baby.
I know there’s really no way around this one because Rachel is breastfed and there is nothing he can actually do – but I still hate him in that moment.
I think most couples encounter this problem at some point after having kids, and it is a tough one. I end up getting up with the baby every weekday because I’m staying home with her and Mike has to go to work all day. But it’s not like taking care of a baby isn’t working all day… However, I can see the flip side too, like I get to have naps and I don’t have to be “on” like Mike does for his job.
You can see how this can spark some debate. We stay open and honest about how we’re feeling when it comes to sleep and try to give each other turns to “sleep-in” as much as possible. But I think we could all benefit from having more sleep around here (although Allen doesn’t seem to be missing any z’s…)
Bottom line is that sleep deprivation has never helped a marriage.
5. We’ve learned how to work more as a team
Once you have kids, you learn pretty fast if one person is pulling the weight.
We’ve been super open about how we’re feeling throughout most of our relationship, but now that we have a baby, we don’t hesitate to be honest as soon as something doesn’t sit right with us.
It’s needless to say that having a baby has added a lot of extra responsibilities and it’s easy for most of them to land on one person. Being open and making sure our roles are evenly distributed is one thing that has gotten better after having Rachel.
Making sure we are clear in what each of our responsibilities are helps us avoid resentment or becoming passive aggressive towards each other (however, it still happens from time to time;))
6. Screaming babies make every argument 1000x worse
Oh my god do they ever! Having a baby screaming at you while you’re stuck in traffic arguing about directions literally makes you want to point a gun at your own head.
The scream of a child somehow adds urgency to every situation and brings out the worst in people. I don’t think there’s much you can do to avoid a screaming baby, but maybe just plan on not being the one responsible for directions…?
I would also recommend some sort of mediation practice to work on your patience before you have children, because you’ll need it.
And wine. You’ll need lots of that too 😉